"Dances With Spiders"
Well, I did some bush hogging yesterday. I ran out, put diesel in the tractor, hopped on, cranked it up, and 'hogged for 5 hours.
NOT!!!!!!!
First, one has to crank the tractor.
I am finding out that tractors, while they are hardy and will go any where you point them, seem to be prima donnas when it comes to cranking! To crank the tractor, one must have the clutch peddle depressed, the brake peddle depressed, the PTO disengaged, the gears in neutral, the second gears in neutral, the choke in, some unknown switch flipped, the diesel petcock unscrewed, and then pump the 'handle' about 13 times. Then you insert the key, turn it and,...
>click<
sigh
depress the clutch peddle, depress the brake, PTO disengaged, the gears in neutral, the second gears in neutral, the choke in, the unknown switch is flipped the OTHER way, the diesel petcock is unscrewed, the 'handle' is pumped 13 MORE times. Then, insert the key again, turn it and,...
>click<
Repeat about 15 times until you hear an ominouse tic tic tic tic tic tic and you can't see through the sweat beaded up on your glasses (because you have been looking down, playing the combination gear game,...)
Kick tractor, call her names, go inside to the AC, have a drink of water that smells like rotten eggs, (tell self, "Iron is Good For You!) surf the web to find tricks to cranking tractor, find gruesome story of death by bush hog instead,....
After giving the battery about an hour to recover, go back out, repeat the holy ritual of clutch clutch gear gear twist pump turn,....
And just like that VROOOOOOOMMMMMMM CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!!!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!! And it'd barely even dark!
Now to hook the bush hog up to the tractor. We are ahead of the game, as the hydrolics are already connected, I just have to put the knuckle over the PTO.
Hummm,... How to do it from up here. Can't find the emergency brake so I don't want to get between the tractor and the bush hog. Keeping the gruesome-death-by-bush-hog story in mind, I try a variety of stretching manuvers in an attempt to stay on the tractor and still reach the connection, all the time avoiding getting behind, in front of, or on top of, the tires,.... (which are the size of a VW bug, by the way,...) I even jump to the ground, make a wide berth of the belching behemoth, and climb onto the deck of the bush hog, wherein more stretching and contorting excercises ensue,...
Did I mention I am Home Alone? Eric has driven to Deland to pick up the only tractor driven auger in the state of Florida, it seems. I keep thinking about that gruesome-death-by-bush-hog story,....
I come to the horrible conclusion that the only safe way to do this is to, you got it, cut off the tractor,.....
Well, I get the PTO hooked up, I preform the proper ritual (about 5 times) and away we go! And I still have a little daylight!
I start out cautiously, in low gear. putt putt putt putt ,.... How boring. Let's shift it to high!
PUTTPUTTPUTTPUTTPUTT!!! My ponytail is flying back, the front is rearing up, the bush hog is screaming, dirt is flying, it's growling and snarling like a rabid tiger!!!!!
Boring is Good!
Stearing is much easier too, when the front wheels are on the ground! Apparently, we need a teech bit o' hydrolic fluid. The bush hog keeps unexpectedly dropping and leaving behind my own personal crop circles, digging up great berms of earth, and raising a big dirt cloud..... Those first (and second, and third, and fourth) trips around the pasture look like I emptied an entire fifth of Glen Fiddech before starting out.
Well, I can't blame it all on the wheels being up in the air,... Sometimes I was swatting away mosquitoes, or dodging branches. I now know why most farmers remove EVERY SINGLE TREE from where they will be mowing! There is nothing to compare with 'hogging in the gloaming, and that sneaky oak tree sticks a branch right in front of the tractor. The tractoer at first pushes it aside, and just about the time you think you are safe, and that it will mearly scrape down the side of the tractor and painfully across your leg,.... it Whips over the top, and smacks you in the face!
And of course, while you are blinded, that's when you run right THROUGH the GIANT spider web!!!!!!! The GIANT Golden Orb Weaver, aka, Banana spider, as in 'as big as a',.... The web is so strong, it almost pulls you backwards out of the seat! Thank God it is now dark, so you can't see the remains of the birds, rabbits, sheep and cows you are sure are lining it's nest!
But now comes the fun part! Dances With Spiders! That sucker landed somewhere, and no matter how much you hope it landed on the ground,... It DIDN'T!! About the third trip around after taking out it's wonderfully constructed house and home, you actually FEEL something crawling on your thigh, through the denim of your jeans!!!!! And there it is! Supposedly, they only get to be about the size of a small mouse, but I swear, this one was as big as our dog Kisses!!!!! I was jumpin' and wigglin' and twistin' all over the place!
All thoughts of gruesome-death-by-bush-hog flies from my mind, to be replaced with gruesome-death-by-giant-spider!!!! But! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE TRACTOR!!!!! That would be dangerous! And you can't smack it with your hand, it's so big, that that would be really gross!
After about 5 minutes of squeeling and break dancing in place, I ended up breaking a stick off a tree limb and flicking the spider under the bush hog. Let IT experience gruesome-death-by-bush-hog!
By then it was too dark to see, and I felt like I was almost out of diesel, and I was hungry, and Eric had come home, so it was a good time to call it quits and park the tractor. Really it was. I am NOT afraid of spiders!
By the light of today, it looks like drunken aliens have mowed the yard,...
I took tonight off. I'll try more tomorrow! Got to get ready for the party on Sat!!!!
Later,
Cheri'
NOT!!!!!!!
First, one has to crank the tractor.
I am finding out that tractors, while they are hardy and will go any where you point them, seem to be prima donnas when it comes to cranking! To crank the tractor, one must have the clutch peddle depressed, the brake peddle depressed, the PTO disengaged, the gears in neutral, the second gears in neutral, the choke in, some unknown switch flipped, the diesel petcock unscrewed, and then pump the 'handle' about 13 times. Then you insert the key, turn it and,...
>click<
sigh
depress the clutch peddle, depress the brake, PTO disengaged, the gears in neutral, the second gears in neutral, the choke in, the unknown switch is flipped the OTHER way, the diesel petcock is unscrewed, the 'handle' is pumped 13 MORE times. Then, insert the key again, turn it and,...
>click<
Repeat about 15 times until you hear an ominouse tic tic tic tic tic tic and you can't see through the sweat beaded up on your glasses (because you have been looking down, playing the combination gear game,...)
Kick tractor, call her names, go inside to the AC, have a drink of water that smells like rotten eggs, (tell self, "Iron is Good For You!) surf the web to find tricks to cranking tractor, find gruesome story of death by bush hog instead,....
After giving the battery about an hour to recover, go back out, repeat the holy ritual of clutch clutch gear gear twist pump turn,....
And just like that VROOOOOOOMMMMMMM CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!!!!!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!!!!! And it'd barely even dark!
Now to hook the bush hog up to the tractor. We are ahead of the game, as the hydrolics are already connected, I just have to put the knuckle over the PTO.
Hummm,... How to do it from up here. Can't find the emergency brake so I don't want to get between the tractor and the bush hog. Keeping the gruesome-death-by-bush-hog story in mind, I try a variety of stretching manuvers in an attempt to stay on the tractor and still reach the connection, all the time avoiding getting behind, in front of, or on top of, the tires,.... (which are the size of a VW bug, by the way,...) I even jump to the ground, make a wide berth of the belching behemoth, and climb onto the deck of the bush hog, wherein more stretching and contorting excercises ensue,...
Did I mention I am Home Alone? Eric has driven to Deland to pick up the only tractor driven auger in the state of Florida, it seems. I keep thinking about that gruesome-death-by-bush-hog story,....
I come to the horrible conclusion that the only safe way to do this is to, you got it, cut off the tractor,.....
Well, I get the PTO hooked up, I preform the proper ritual (about 5 times) and away we go! And I still have a little daylight!
I start out cautiously, in low gear. putt putt putt putt ,.... How boring. Let's shift it to high!
PUTTPUTTPUTTPUTTPUTT!!! My ponytail is flying back, the front is rearing up, the bush hog is screaming, dirt is flying, it's growling and snarling like a rabid tiger!!!!!
Boring is Good!
Stearing is much easier too, when the front wheels are on the ground! Apparently, we need a teech bit o' hydrolic fluid. The bush hog keeps unexpectedly dropping and leaving behind my own personal crop circles, digging up great berms of earth, and raising a big dirt cloud..... Those first (and second, and third, and fourth) trips around the pasture look like I emptied an entire fifth of Glen Fiddech before starting out.
Well, I can't blame it all on the wheels being up in the air,... Sometimes I was swatting away mosquitoes, or dodging branches. I now know why most farmers remove EVERY SINGLE TREE from where they will be mowing! There is nothing to compare with 'hogging in the gloaming, and that sneaky oak tree sticks a branch right in front of the tractor. The tractoer at first pushes it aside, and just about the time you think you are safe, and that it will mearly scrape down the side of the tractor and painfully across your leg,.... it Whips over the top, and smacks you in the face!
And of course, while you are blinded, that's when you run right THROUGH the GIANT spider web!!!!!!! The GIANT Golden Orb Weaver, aka, Banana spider, as in 'as big as a',.... The web is so strong, it almost pulls you backwards out of the seat! Thank God it is now dark, so you can't see the remains of the birds, rabbits, sheep and cows you are sure are lining it's nest!
But now comes the fun part! Dances With Spiders! That sucker landed somewhere, and no matter how much you hope it landed on the ground,... It DIDN'T!! About the third trip around after taking out it's wonderfully constructed house and home, you actually FEEL something crawling on your thigh, through the denim of your jeans!!!!! And there it is! Supposedly, they only get to be about the size of a small mouse, but I swear, this one was as big as our dog Kisses!!!!! I was jumpin' and wigglin' and twistin' all over the place!
All thoughts of gruesome-death-by-bush-hog flies from my mind, to be replaced with gruesome-death-by-giant-spider!!!! But! YOU CAN'T LEAVE THE TRACTOR!!!!! That would be dangerous! And you can't smack it with your hand, it's so big, that that would be really gross!
After about 5 minutes of squeeling and break dancing in place, I ended up breaking a stick off a tree limb and flicking the spider under the bush hog. Let IT experience gruesome-death-by-bush-hog!
By then it was too dark to see, and I felt like I was almost out of diesel, and I was hungry, and Eric had come home, so it was a good time to call it quits and park the tractor. Really it was. I am NOT afraid of spiders!
By the light of today, it looks like drunken aliens have mowed the yard,...
I took tonight off. I'll try more tomorrow! Got to get ready for the party on Sat!!!!
Later,
Cheri'
posted by Cheri' | 7:14 PM
1 Comments:
Isn’t farming wonderful? I Had fun reading about your tractor/spider adventure; years ago (1971) I was riding my motor cycle through the jungles of Okinawa and ran head-on to a large heard…….bunch…….a lot of….. GIGANTIC SPIDERS. The guy I was riding with went into sock (honestly) and I had to walk him out and then walk back and get his bike out and then walk back in to get my bike out. I understand how you felt. Sounds like your party is going to be fun wish I could be there. Ya’ll be Safe and please do everything to avoid contact with THE HOG.
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